The Mustache Theory

A funny thing happened the other day. I ran into an old colleague, who I hadn’t seen in over a year. I was going to ask how things were going with his girlfriend, but one quick look told me I needn’t bother, that she was out of the picture.  How did I know you ask? It was simple – I knew it, because he had a mustache.

After a long and studied course of action (okay, a short and pithy group of loosely assorted observations), I have come to an astounding realization:

Men grow facial hair for other men.

It’s true. Similar to how women dress for other women, men grow their facial hair out to fascinate/impress other men. And as a caveat here I should say I’m referring to straight men only, since I think facial hair in the gay community is far more coded and complicated and I don’t know the first thing about it.  I am writing this because I think most men don’t really realize the message they’re giving off when they start growing facial hair. For heterosexual men who want women to find them attractive (be it potential mates or the girlfriends or wives they would like to keep attracting to them), eschew the ‘stache.  Here’s why:

The facial hair culture is set by men principally in two populations:

(1)  Men who work in a predominantly male culture - police officers, firemen, auto workers, Hell’s Angels. In these cultures, growing facial hair is sign of masculinity/virility

(2) Men who don’t care about the opinions of women - either they have settled down/married Angelina Jolie,  or they are no longer interested in dating and have just plain stopped caring about what women think of them. These are men who are have taken themselves out of the circuit of heterosexual desire.

Before I move on, there’s a basic assumption here that mustaches are inherently anti-lady. This holds true for a couple of reasons reasons: (1) Facial hair generally makes a man look less good (2) It’s unpleasant for any kind of intimate contact (kissing, nuzzling, etc.)

Notable exceptions include growing it out temporarily for a role or costume of some kind or covering up a zit or facial deformity. For the rest of you, it’s just not cool.

Now, I know that many a contrarian among you will protest and say that facial hair is super sexy - please note that you ladies are part of the problem. The outspokenness of just a few of you will keep unsuspecting men duped into keeping unsightly hair on their face, ruining it for the rest of us.

Still with me? Now the mustache gets public visibility by men in the aforementioned populations above. But this visibility is conflated with popularity. Men think, “People find mustaches cool” when really, it’s just other men who think it's cool. In actuality, growing facial hair is a visual affirmation that one holds a “bros before hos” value system. As the visual expression of that ideology, facial hair becomes even more off-putting to women than it already is, creating a vicious cycle.

In fact, now when I see ostentatious facial hair on a guy, I actually find it offensive. Take Jim Rome for example. That mustache he sports is just ridiculous. And it’s kind of an affront - it says, “Fuck you ladies, I don’t care about what you think. “ It’s the equivalent of a lady growing out her armpit hair and then wearing a tank top.  If that’s what you think, okay then, but keep it under control, would ya?

So listen, if you don’t want a woman to touch you - you know, that way - then fine, grow that ‘stache. Maybe you’ll get more respect from the males in the pack at work or in your social tribe, and maybe that’s more important than getting laid. But if you want to actively court the ladies in your life and keep ‘em happy, then bust out that razor and clean that mug (aftershave optional).